​The first step you need to take is talking to your parents. Find out what their needs and wishes are. In some cases, however, they may be unwilling or unable to talk about their future. This can happen for a number of reasons, including incapacity, fear of becoming dependent, resentment toward you for interfering, or reluctance to burden you with their problems. If such is the case with your parents, you may need to do as much planning as you can without them. The bottom line is that you need to have a plan. If you're nervous about talking to your parents, make a list of topics that you need to discuss:

• Long-term care insurance: Do they have it? If not, should they buy it?
• Living arrangements: Can they still live alone, or is it time to explore other options?
• Medical care decisions: What are their wishes, and who will carry them out?
• Financial planning: How can you protect their assets?
• Estate planning: Do they have all of the necessary documents (e.g., wills, trusts)?
• Expectations: What do you expect from your parents, and what do they expect from you?

If you're concerned about your parents' mental or physical capabilities, ask their doctor(s) to recommend a facility for a geriatric assessment. These assessments can be done at hospitals or clinics. The evaluation determines your parents' capabilities for day-to-day activities (e.g., cooking, housework, personal hygiene, taking medications, making phone calls). 

If you can't be there to care for your parents, or if you just need some guidance to oversee your parents' care, a geriatric care manager (GCM) can also help. Typically, GCMs are nurses or social workers with experience in geriatric care. They can assess your parents' ability to live on their own, coordinate round-the-clock care if necessary, or recommend home health care and other agencies that can help your parents remain independent.

​Once you've opened the lines of communication, your next step is to prepare a personal data record. This document lists information that you might need in case your parents become incapacitated or die. Be sure to write down the location of documents and any relevant account numbers. It's a good idea to make copies of all of the documents you've gathered and keep them in a safe place. This is especially important if you live far away, because you'll want the information readily available in the event of an emergency.

Here's some information that should be included:

• Financial information: Bank accounts, investment accounts, real estate holdings
• Legal information: Wills, durable power of attorneys, health-care directives
• Funeral and burial plans: Prepayment information, final wishes
• Medical information: Health-care providers, medication, medical history
• Insurance information: Policy numbers, company names
• Advisor information: Names and phone numbers of any professional service providers
• Location of other important records: Keys to safe-deposit boxes, real estate deeds

Many local and national caregiver support groups and community services are available to help you cope with caring for your aging parents. If you don't know where to find help, contact your state's department of eldercare services. Or, call (800) 677-1116 to reach the Eldercare Locator, an information and referral service sponsored by the federal government that can direct you to resources available nationally or in your area. Some of the services available in your community may include:

• Caregiver support groups and training
• Adult day care
• Respite care
• Guidelines on how to choose a nursing home
• Free or low-cost legal advice

Once you've gathered all of the necessary information, you may find some gaps. Perhaps your mother doesn't have a health-care directive, or her will is outdated. You may wish to consult an attorney or other financial professional whose advice both you and your parents can trust.